By Aaron Karmin
What has been the most comment ailment of the past few decades? Not cancer, AIDS, drug abuse or heart disease, but violence. More people have died violently in the past century than in any other. There is no basis for assuming that the next decade will be any less violent because we are not taking any steps to make it so.
Every year, there are millions of acts of violence. Some are fatal, some result in permanent injury or mental scars. Others end up orphaning their children and widowing their spouses. There are public and private agencies attempting to deal with the plague of violence in our country, but their focus seems to be on the overt act, such as firing handguns or battering spouses. If they can prevent these acts, they feel that they will have prevented violence. But the underlying issues that instigate the individual to seek violent solutions has not been identified or addressed. Another mistake that we make is to treat violence as if it were a natural force, an animal instinct which we have no power to control. Criminals have been using this excuse for years. It exempts them from the consequences of their self-indulgent behavior. We need to stop taking these self-serving alibis at face value if we hope to break the cycle of violence.
The cycle is not transmitted by our genetic inheritance from our less evolved ancestors. It was modeled for us by the significant others we encountered in our young lives. We learn to accept brutality as an efficient problem solving technique. It requires no cerebral exertion at all. Kids who were exposed to violence often raise their kids using violence. They feel justified in doing so, "If it was good enough for me, its good enough for them. That's fair." We cannot argue with this childish logic. It is not logic at all. There is no rational think involved. It is the emotional convictions that were formalized in their childhood being replayed on an endless loop. An emotional legacy passed on from one generation to the next.
It should be noted, that the notion of learning by example is not absolute. Some children of non-violent parents become violent on their own. Conversely, many children of violent parents reject this brutal example. Some go to the extreme of crusading against violence. Others find a middle ground, where they can solve interpersonal problems cooperatively as equal members of the human race.
There is no instinct for beating up first-graders. If there were, everyone would be doing it, not just bullies. Civilized human beings take time to learn how to manage their emotions. The problem is that hardly anyone has the time to teach it these days. We should be teaching young people how to express their anger appropriately, finding a middle ground between too much and too little. We should teach them how to identify the underlying problems that lead them to take others' behavior personally. We all have buttons that can be pushed, such as:
"I want my way and you are not giving it to me."
"It's not fair."
"You are wrong."
"You betrayed me."
"You don't appreciate me"
"You're a bully."
These comments first arise in childhood and make us vulnerable to becoming excessively angry. If these patterns of thinking can be identified and put in a more manageable perspective, we would be less vulnerable to over-reacting and the violence statistics would go down. As it is now, we are not well educated in these matters because we are denying that we have an anger problem. We prefer to call our problem violence. As a consequence of our denial, we are a nation with a high rate of aggression.
However, the issue is not violence or aggression, the issue is mismanaged anger. There is no violence without anger. Violence is an emotional response to being hurt or threatened. Our epidemic of gang violence and murder are not senseless crimes, they are crimes of anger. Most perpetrators have been through the medical and legal system, which leaves their anger undiagnosed and untreated. The present system refuses to help. It does not seem to know what to do about anger except to use medication or incarceration. No one is learning anything.
The cycle violence generally follows a pattern. Often the batterer will say that the victim is the one responsible for his rage and that he wouldn't need to hit, if the victim didn't "make him" angry. After a violent episode, the batterer may apologize, promise to make it up to the victim, blame his behavior on alcohol, stress at work, etc., and promise that the violence will stop. At those times, he may behave in a loving manner, and the victim wants to trust that he means what he says. The victim may respond by trying to change their behavior to please the batterer, only to find that he becomes enraged about something else. It may always be something else. Over the course of time, the victim might even start to believe that the violence is your fault. The victim's self-esteem may begin to unravel until they may feel virtually powerless in their relationship with him.
It is important to remind yourself that there is never a circumstance under which you or your children, if you have them, should be subjected to physical abuse. If at any time conversations or interactions become physically threatening, the individuals need to walk away and separate. If physical safety cannot be established, call the police immediately to ensure personal wellbeing
Do not take their anger personally, as if it were a reflection on your self-worth as a person. Self-respecting people who are in control of themselves and are confident in their ability to cope are less likely to be victimized then people who doubt their self-worth. It is also important not to protect violent people from the consequences of their behavior. Do not make excuses for them. That is enabling! They behave violently because there are no consequences and they can get away with it, someone is letting them. By offering consequences to others for their choices, you are letting them know what is unacceptable. It takes courage because anger and violence is scary. But if we give into this fear, the violence will win and everyone loses.
If you have an anger problem in your home, job or family, do not let yourself be drawn into a power struggle over who can hurt whom. Acts of violence are a symptom of anger. Do not deal with symptoms, for they are just smoke and mirrors for the deeper issues. Instead it can help to respond to a false accusation or situation of unfairness with a focusing question, "What happened to make you so angry?" Even if you do not get an answer right away, you have given their behavior a name and offered them permission to talk about it. You have done the unexpected, which disrupts the eye for an eye revenge seeking expectation that is typical with being hurt. Ask another question, "What angered you the most about it?" You can offer them some choices by giving the individual an alternative outlet for their out of control anger. We can ask, "What would you prefer instead?" These questions are like seeds in a garden, you may not get growth immediately, but with time you can have an abundant harvest.
Using these focusing questions helps to gain an understanding, rather then forcing agreement. These questions are a way to get beyond the smoke and mirror of defensiveness and pleading your case. Theses questions helps to peel the onion and that is where the meat of the problems is, but man it stinks and causes tears along the way. After you have focused their anger at those who have caused them to lash out, you can ask, "Who else are you angry at?" In almost every case of violence, the assaulter is angry at themselves for some failure or weakness for which they feels guilty and at fault. This can make some sense if we see their violence as a way to punish themselves and bring about their own pain for the guilt they feel. Simply put when we are angry at ourselves, we act in ways to bring about our own pain as punishment for the choices we have made. This is their self-contempt. The antidote consists of replacing self-contempt with self-respect. Self-respect is the feeling that we are worth-while human beings in spite of our faults and imperfections. At the same time, exaggerated behaviors of anger are replaced with appropriate self expression that uses words to describe how we feel.
What has been the most comment ailment of the past few decades? Not cancer, AIDS, drug abuse or heart disease, but violence. More people have died violently in the past century than in any other. There is no basis for assuming that the next decade will be any less violent because we are not taking any steps to make it so.
Every year, there are millions of acts of violence. Some are fatal, some result in permanent injury or mental scars. Others end up orphaning their children and widowing their spouses. There are public and private agencies attempting to deal with the plague of violence in our country, but their focus seems to be on the overt act, such as firing handguns or battering spouses. If they can prevent these acts, they feel that they will have prevented violence. But the underlying issues that instigate the individual to seek violent solutions has not been identified or addressed. Another mistake that we make is to treat violence as if it were a natural force, an animal instinct which we have no power to control. Criminals have been using this excuse for years. It exempts them from the consequences of their self-indulgent behavior. We need to stop taking these self-serving alibis at face value if we hope to break the cycle of violence.
The cycle is not transmitted by our genetic inheritance from our less evolved ancestors. It was modeled for us by the significant others we encountered in our young lives. We learn to accept brutality as an efficient problem solving technique. It requires no cerebral exertion at all. Kids who were exposed to violence often raise their kids using violence. They feel justified in doing so, "If it was good enough for me, its good enough for them. That's fair." We cannot argue with this childish logic. It is not logic at all. There is no rational think involved. It is the emotional convictions that were formalized in their childhood being replayed on an endless loop. An emotional legacy passed on from one generation to the next.
It should be noted, that the notion of learning by example is not absolute. Some children of non-violent parents become violent on their own. Conversely, many children of violent parents reject this brutal example. Some go to the extreme of crusading against violence. Others find a middle ground, where they can solve interpersonal problems cooperatively as equal members of the human race.
There is no instinct for beating up first-graders. If there were, everyone would be doing it, not just bullies. Civilized human beings take time to learn how to manage their emotions. The problem is that hardly anyone has the time to teach it these days. We should be teaching young people how to express their anger appropriately, finding a middle ground between too much and too little. We should teach them how to identify the underlying problems that lead them to take others' behavior personally. We all have buttons that can be pushed, such as:
"I want my way and you are not giving it to me."
"It's not fair."
"You are wrong."
"You betrayed me."
"You don't appreciate me"
"You're a bully."
These comments first arise in childhood and make us vulnerable to becoming excessively angry. If these patterns of thinking can be identified and put in a more manageable perspective, we would be less vulnerable to over-reacting and the violence statistics would go down. As it is now, we are not well educated in these matters because we are denying that we have an anger problem. We prefer to call our problem violence. As a consequence of our denial, we are a nation with a high rate of aggression.
However, the issue is not violence or aggression, the issue is mismanaged anger. There is no violence without anger. Violence is an emotional response to being hurt or threatened. Our epidemic of gang violence and murder are not senseless crimes, they are crimes of anger. Most perpetrators have been through the medical and legal system, which leaves their anger undiagnosed and untreated. The present system refuses to help. It does not seem to know what to do about anger except to use medication or incarceration. No one is learning anything.
The cycle violence generally follows a pattern. Often the batterer will say that the victim is the one responsible for his rage and that he wouldn't need to hit, if the victim didn't "make him" angry. After a violent episode, the batterer may apologize, promise to make it up to the victim, blame his behavior on alcohol, stress at work, etc., and promise that the violence will stop. At those times, he may behave in a loving manner, and the victim wants to trust that he means what he says. The victim may respond by trying to change their behavior to please the batterer, only to find that he becomes enraged about something else. It may always be something else. Over the course of time, the victim might even start to believe that the violence is your fault. The victim's self-esteem may begin to unravel until they may feel virtually powerless in their relationship with him.
It is important to remind yourself that there is never a circumstance under which you or your children, if you have them, should be subjected to physical abuse. If at any time conversations or interactions become physically threatening, the individuals need to walk away and separate. If physical safety cannot be established, call the police immediately to ensure personal wellbeing
Do not take their anger personally, as if it were a reflection on your self-worth as a person. Self-respecting people who are in control of themselves and are confident in their ability to cope are less likely to be victimized then people who doubt their self-worth. It is also important not to protect violent people from the consequences of their behavior. Do not make excuses for them. That is enabling! They behave violently because there are no consequences and they can get away with it, someone is letting them. By offering consequences to others for their choices, you are letting them know what is unacceptable. It takes courage because anger and violence is scary. But if we give into this fear, the violence will win and everyone loses.
If you have an anger problem in your home, job or family, do not let yourself be drawn into a power struggle over who can hurt whom. Acts of violence are a symptom of anger. Do not deal with symptoms, for they are just smoke and mirrors for the deeper issues. Instead it can help to respond to a false accusation or situation of unfairness with a focusing question, "What happened to make you so angry?" Even if you do not get an answer right away, you have given their behavior a name and offered them permission to talk about it. You have done the unexpected, which disrupts the eye for an eye revenge seeking expectation that is typical with being hurt. Ask another question, "What angered you the most about it?" You can offer them some choices by giving the individual an alternative outlet for their out of control anger. We can ask, "What would you prefer instead?" These questions are like seeds in a garden, you may not get growth immediately, but with time you can have an abundant harvest.
Using these focusing questions helps to gain an understanding, rather then forcing agreement. These questions are a way to get beyond the smoke and mirror of defensiveness and pleading your case. Theses questions helps to peel the onion and that is where the meat of the problems is, but man it stinks and causes tears along the way. After you have focused their anger at those who have caused them to lash out, you can ask, "Who else are you angry at?" In almost every case of violence, the assaulter is angry at themselves for some failure or weakness for which they feels guilty and at fault. This can make some sense if we see their violence as a way to punish themselves and bring about their own pain for the guilt they feel. Simply put when we are angry at ourselves, we act in ways to bring about our own pain as punishment for the choices we have made. This is their self-contempt. The antidote consists of replacing self-contempt with self-respect. Self-respect is the feeling that we are worth-while human beings in spite of our faults and imperfections. At the same time, exaggerated behaviors of anger are replaced with appropriate self expression that uses words to describe how we feel.
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